The degree is coming to an end much quicker than I ever thought. This blog post should really just be called fears because all I ever seem to do is worry. People keep asking me what I want to do next and this worries me. I’d like to think that my work would be seen my someone influential and that they would simply allow me to write and illustrate my own children’s story books for the rest of my working days. However, it’s not that simple.
My main hope is that I will get this all important chance to get my foot in the door and be noticed and thought of as a real illustrator and not just a student or graduate. I hope that my work will continue to improve the way it has done over the past three years. I feel as though my work has come a long way and I have much more confidence in it but I still don’t feel confident enough to think of myself at the same level of quality as some of the children’s book illustrators already out there.
I defiantly think too negatively about my work and myself a lot of the time but this is mainly because I don’t want to build myself up for a greater fall. On the rare occasion where I have felt my work is actually decent it’s not been seen as such by the people who matter. I hate being negative and desperately want to break out of it. My hope is that I will someday be able to do this with every piece of work I produce.
Another hope is that I actually pass the degree. The actual act of illustrating is something I enjoy greatly so I have no worries for this side of the grading however the written and academic areas such as this piece of writing are the areas I worry about and struggle with. I dislike writing and reading with a passion and tend to leave it until the last minute so that the worry and pressure will force me to do it. This is another habit I would hope to break out of by the end of the degree. I want actually to enjoy reading and writing. I’m defiantly more of a visual person.
I hope to eventually end up with my own studio space so that I can focus on work and not be distracted by things around me. I’ve noticed other people getting studios in groups but I think this would be a waste of time for me as I am easily distracted by other people. I need a space I can lock myself away from the world.
My fears and worries are numerous. I fear that I wont pass and that I will feel like it was all for nothing. Obviously it hasn’t been a waste of time, but to come out with no qualification after three years of hard work would be devastating to me. I fear that I won’t find work and will end up working in retail for the rest of my working days. In the past during summer holidays or breaks from producing artwork I almost forget how to draw when I come back to it. I fear that this will happen after the degree, I will be more focused on finding a short term job and somewhere to live and will stop producing work. I’ve learnt that I need something to force me to produce. A deadline or personal goal. For about half a year now I have been producing a “daily monster” to an art website called Deviantart.com. The few followers I have enjoy the monsters and this is what keeps me going. When I have 150 monsters that I love I intend to have them printed into a book to show on future portfolio visits or possibly to sell.
During the foundation course I did before the degree a tutor said to me that my drawings had no purpose. They only existed on the paper and were nothing more. This is another one of my fears. I want the monsters to be meaningful. In my head I see them as living, moving creatures and I want other people to see them like that too. I think that writing stories alongside them is the best way to give them some meaning in life.
Another fear of mine is the fear of rejection. The occasional no is bearable but I worry that if I hear no too many times it will knock me down to a low point and I will stop producing work. And without the push of a deadline or a tutor, how will I get back up again? I need to work on my own self motivation. Make lists, personal goals and imaginary deadlines.
In the meantime before the end of the degree I want to focus on work confidence and self motivation. I have really let things slide over the past few weeks and the fact that I am now rushing to complete everything required for PDP is perfect evidence of this.
I want to get to know more people involved with illustration outside the class. I really enjoyed meeting new people at the Draw North West event. I’d love to go to more things like this and force myself to talk to new people. What’s the worst that could happen?
I also enjoy getting feedback from people other than the tutors. I often worry that I’m getting on peoples nerves with all the questions or pestering them to look at my work. Need to remember that if you don’t ask then you don’t get.
I also want to use the remaining time to learn more about adobe illustrator. I figured out my current way of working by playing around with different tools but I often find myself saying “there is probably an easier way of doing it but I haven’t a clue what half the tools do”. It would be nice to learn some more advanced skills before leaving.
Finally my aims before graduation are…
To become self motivated!
To become more confident!
To think positively!
To improve my time management!
To not get lazy!
And to talk to new people!
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